You ARE good enough!

There are SO many factors that can affect how you are as a mum, and none of them are because you aren’t good enough. These are just some of them:

• Relationship issues, abuse and/or feeling unsupported or having conflicting parenting style with your partner
• Finances and juggling work/mum/home balance
• Age and/or health issues
• Challenging housing or community issues
• Social expectations
• Not feeling like a natural mum
• External family pressure
• Lack of support from family, or your family are not living locally
• Postnatal depression
• Internal pressure to be a ‘perfect mum’
• Guilt for not feeling good enough, too stressed, distracted, not spending enough time with your child and/or being a mum is not what you expected
• Single parent
• Own unresolved childhood issues resurfacing
• Not wanting to repeat own parents’ mistakes adding pressure
• Your child may have challenging behaviour/disorder/disability
• Feeling like you don’t naturally love your child
• Previous miscarriage/infant loss

Do any of these ring true for you?

You could have any, or a number of these things, going on alongside navigating your way around being a mum for the first time, second or third… That’s no easy feat.

It’s breaking my heart that I’m not being the kind of mum I wanted to be

I completely understand how deep this feeling can go. That harsh inner critic and disappointment in yourself.

Then perpetual guilt can set in.

Every shout, impatient irritated snap, meltdown or shut-down can fuel that guilt until it spirals and consumes you. And most of this is probably caused by external or unresolved internal factors rather than a reflection on your ability to be a good parent.

Feeling like you are not the kind of mum you hoped you’d be can create a cycle of extreme confliction, justification, blame on self or others and pressure, mixed with periods of forced lightness and being the complete opposite of the negative version.

The inconsistency; swinging from high to low can be exhausting and also difficult for your child/children as you can come across unpredictable and volatile in their eyes.

What can I do to change?

There are many things you can to do address internal/external issues in your life which are affecting you and your ability to be the mum you want to be.

It is useful to identify what is in your control, and what isn’t. To separate your issues and challenges into these two categories can instantly create a feeling of hope for change, “I have the power to change some of these difficult things in my life”.

There will always be things beyond your control, such as age, social expectations and perhaps financial issues and with these must come acceptance. However, you will find that the number of things that are within your control are more than you thought. Helplessness turns into positive change.

You can address so many issues with counselling. All the factors that you realise are within your control can be helped through talking therapy; addressing grief and loss, childhood events, parenting style conflicts, depression, guilt, relationship issues and so on.

Counselling can help you express your feelings, process your emotions, address historical events, manage current responses and create a positive feeling of self-belief in yourself. It can also generate self-compassion and kindness. If you are forgiving and compassionate to yourself, it takes away so much pressure and tension to get things right all the time.

Facing these issues and difficulties head on rather than just ignoring them, though hard initially, is preferable to continuing on in a silent struggle of torment and guilt. The benefits mean you get to be the kind of parent you imagined, and you get to enjoy the good times that come with having children.

And those good times are remembered; those light feelings of joy, laughter and play override the heavy feelings of guilt and shame for shouting or being a stressed ‘grumpy mum’. And your kids benefit from this too!

Incorporating self-care into your busy week can be tricky, but a necessary thing to do to maintain your mental health. Self-care can come in many forms such as therapy, yoga, walking, running/gym, meditation or catching up with family/friends. You can’t get this time back with your kids, so it’s worth investing in change sooner rather than when it feels too late.

That said, it is possible to build a more positive relationship with your kids if they have grown estranged, even when they are older. Older and adult children have the capacity and maturity to understand if things were hard for you when they were younger, and you can both express feelings and communicate with compassion and understanding.

There are other areas in which counselling can help too, if you feel you need support and guidance in being a better parent. Such as building awareness of how you interact with your children, responding to challenging behaviours and gaining knowledge about the psychology of parenting such as what ‘conditions of worth’ are, or the expectations and values you inadvertently put upon your child.

Please don’t struggle on in silence

If you can relate to anything in this blog, or my other blogs, please do get in touch. We can have a free 15/20 minute chat about your concerns prior to booking an appointment, so you can decide if you feel it will be helpful for you.