The dreaded ‘change’
The menopause is something which had become a dark menacing cloud on the horizon over the years. The dreaded ‘change’. An inevitable, unavoidable transition in a woman’s life which can, for some, be debilitating both mentally and physically whereas others sail through in relatively unscathed.
There has been a huge push in recent years to change that old attitude of the menopause being a thing of unspoken dread and shame. It takes time for long established social and personal attitudes to change, but at least we’re on the right path in terms of normalising it, talking about it and accepting it.
Menopausal symptoms in detail are easily sourced online, such as here on the NHS website: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/menopause/ and they can vary so much from person to person.
What is normal and what is the menopause?
One major problem with the menopause is the timing of it. It usually happens at a time in a woman’s life where there is potentially already a lot of other stuff going on. If a woman has had children, those children are becoming independent, perhaps left home already, by the time the menopause (or perimenopause) has kicked in. A relationship might have reached an end, run its course, infidelities, all unrelated to the menopause. Working roles may either be slowing down or gaining traction with leadership roles, which are the cause of increased stress, pressure and anxiety. Or perhaps moving house, aging parents needing care or other health issues. More noticeable physical changes in the body for all people reaching their 50s, with energy levels decreasing or increased aches and pains. Then BOOM! The declining hormones elevate these huge life events, stresses and transitions by making it all feel harder, more emotional, more stressful and those physical changes feel worse. Those last few eggs making their grand exit, marking the end of a long female fertile phase.
Grief can then follow. Feelings of sadness for the end of fertility, loss of your perceived identity and sense of who you are (see previous blog).
And so begins a confusion, amongst the enhanced mental health turmoil which is associated with menopause, such as anxiety, depression, disturbed sleep, distress about brain fog, weight gain and other physical symptoms. Consciously you might start to question “Why am I suddenly feeling so unhappy all the time?” or subconsciously you feel incredibly ‘out of sorts’.
Is it just the menopause causing the unhappiness, anxiety and depression, or is it something else? Is the menopause exacerbating an underlying issue? It’s easy to blame the menopause for everything, but that creates a feeling of being helpless, a victim and out of control.
Are you being defined by your menopause? Do you want to be?
But can counselling really help?
The answer is yes!
Whilst counselling can’t wave a magic wand and make all your physical symptoms (hot flushes, sweats, mood swings, brain fog etc) disappear, it can help with the mental aspects which in turn can help how you respond to the physical symptoms and improve your relationship with your changing body.
Often, the root cause of anxiety and depression is not specifically related to the menopause, but the fluctuating hormones have triggered or exacerbated already existing states which you have managed fine, up until now. Talking through your issues and exploring historical events and experiences in therapy sessions, with someone who can help you link things together, or separate them out, can create significant clarity and calm. The understanding and knowledge of your mental health and the origins can feel empowering, and the menopause starts to feel like it has less control over your reactions.
If you discover it is just the menopause at the root cause of your mental health issues, then your counsellor can help you work through the fears and concerns you have about what you are experiencing and how it’s making you feel. A counsellor can work with you about low self-esteem and body image, learn how to accept those physical changes with less fear and self-loathing. It might be that you have to reacquaint yourself with your changing body, to embrace it so you still feel sexy, attractive and desirable. You can develop tools to manage the frustrations of brain fog, forgetfulness, concentration and other related cognitive effects.
Somatic experiencing of your mental and physical health; awareness of your body sensations and reactions to self, others and situations can create a feeling of safety within, and with that a sense of being able to regulate your emotions.
And don’t underestimate the power of simple self-care; a good diet, movement/exercise and incorporating periods of rest, if your sleep is affected.
Don’t suffer in silence
Fear, embarrassment, self-loathing, frustration, low self-esteem, grief, loss of identity – talk about it all with an empathic counsellor so the menopause doesn’t define who you are.
If you can relate to anything in this blog, or suffering due to the menopause and would like to find a way of experiencing it more positively, then do please get in touch with me. We can have a free 15 minute chat about your concerns prior to booking an appointment, so you can decide if you feel it will be helpful for you.